This is going to be an annoying mishmash of info today. In the last few weeks since my last post a lot has happened and that has prompted me to get in the writing mood. Today I was prompted to think pretty hard about communication and the ways we choose to communicate with the people in our lives. How many of us have facebook, twitter, email, cell phones, home phones, regular postal mail, and homes to visit? Why is it that people get so offended when a person is not interested in having them on their facebook or with sharing information with them?
In recent months I have watched peoples reactions to facebook messages posted by family members and friends and literally watched relationships deteriorate before my eyes. Just today I made a decision to prevent anyone who shares my DNA from seeing my facebook wall. That’s more than half the 128 people on my list. Truth be told my family members are the ones I communicate with most in person, by phone, and on facebook. I know that my family feels as if facebook is about mutual sharing of information, and if one person is not sharing the other will more often than not delete that person from their facebook. (yes that’s almost a tradition in our family, pretty bad when there is a general rule regarding facebook that spreads through your family) I suspect my choice to prevent my family from seeing my wall posts will result in a good 50% of them deleting me. Many are probably wondering why I would choose to go this route, well it’s fairly simple.
I’m nearly 30 years old, I live on my own in a city all by myself (no family here just me and my bf). I pay my own bills and get through life more or less on my own steam. I’m the youngest of a litter of children 5 in total, and I guess in the whole family including both parents and all 5 kids I am probably the most ‘outside the box’. I did not follow any of the standard family conventions that my other siblings did, so I’m kind of, on my own, as far as traditions and lifestyle is concerned.
I’m not religious, all of my siblings had their children baptized, I don’t have any children, all my sibling have 2 a piece, I’m the only one of us to get married before/without having a child. I have some different lifestyle quirks that most of my friends think make me unique and interesting, but most of my family members just don’t understand.
Since I do not have children and do not plan to ever have any children it can be frustrating to find that most people in my family are busy when I’m looking to go out and have fun. I have some different reasons for not having children that some of my family understand and others do not. I am a member of a group called VHEMT (Voluntary Human Extinction Movement) where the general consensus is that the world is already overpopulated and that this huge number of people over running all of our natural areas is having a negative affect on our planets health. The members of the group are mostly people who in their adulthood opted not to reproduce for any number of different reasons. We discuss issues that affect the lives of child-free adults including screaming children in restaurants, our stances on issues such as abortion, and of course our reasons for choosing to remain child-free. My activity in this group unfortunately posted to my wall yesterday which upset one of my sisters, I pose this question, should I be sorry that my opinion upset her? Do I have the right to have my own opinions regarding my life? Should I be forced to conform to the conventions my parents and their parents set down?
I had a similar issue with my mother one time when I posted pictures of my bf and I on our vacation. We attended the worlds largest gay pride parade in Toronto. Before I even got all the pictures posted I got a phone call from my mother upset and asking me ‘just how gay I am’. I answered with a quite frank reply of ‘gay enough to be living with and married to two men. So she implied that I should post a note with my pictures stating that I’m not a homosexual but that I just support the lifestyle. I replied to that with a bold and firm absolutely not! I’m 30 fn years old I do not owe anyone any kind of explanation for my behaviour and my choices or my vacations or lifestyle in general.
Two years since that incident I found myself still hiding and sneaking around to be a part of groups like VHEMT, and The Thinking Atheist and hiding my involvement usually very well from my family to avoid offending or upsetting anyone. It occurred to me that yeah! I’m 30 fn years old, not everyone has to like me, and that working as hard as I have to keep my feelings, beliefs, and lifestyle under the cover of darkness has taken a toll on my own self belief and feelings of worth.
After years and years of pretending to fit into the family status quo and pretending to fit into the mold that was created for me by the first 4 kids to pass on through the family unit it occurs to me that each child before me made their dents in the mold and forged their own way in one way or another, it just seems that my choices and my beliefs appear radically different because of the visual differences such as ‘never walking around with a diaper bag, never complaining about the damn baby sitter showing up late, not complaining that my baby money didn’t come in this month from the government’ and other similar frustrations parents go through.
Although I disagree with family members who say that I am the way I am because I enjoy the shock value of it all, I do really think that I do not wish to completely blend in to the background. What kind of a difference does a person make on the world when they blend in to the background? Think about Malcolm X, Gandhi, Wilder Pennfield, Sigmund Freud, William Shakespeare and other notable members of our society. How many of them made the impact they did by blending into the background and never living up to their true potential? I do the things I do to try my hardest to get as far as I can while making a positive impact on those around me. I cannot tell you why I have the beliefs that I have or why I choose the lifestyle that I choose, but I can yell you this:
‘There has never ever been a time that I have done something with shock value in mind. Everything I have done in my life has been for one of two or a combination of two reasons, to make those around me happy while not rocking the boat, and for my own happiness and fulfillment of my life as it was meant to be.’
I do not delude myself into thinking that any of my family members actually read my blog (yeah I know how sad is that? I get lots of stranger reads but not a single family member has ever read it I don’t think) But if there is anyone out there who is curious as to the ratio of the things I have done for others and the things I’ve done for me, here is a hint, stopping people from seeing my facebook is the first thing I have done overtly just for me.
After all of this backstory my original point was simple, we fill our lives with different ways of communicating with one another including social media, mail, phone, text, and in person; why is it that people get so offended when you are not sharing facebook with them? Specially after they make a big deal and get offended by what you post and by your lifestyle? I am still available by phone, text or a visit to my home, email, postal mail, carrier pigeon, etc. years ago when I started adding family members to my facebook I knew I had made a mistake, the internet used to be a place you could go to be anonymous and discuss common interests without fear of persecution or ‘outing’ by or to family members. I used to be able to separate my internet/personal life from my family life. These days there is about as much separation between family and the internet as there is between church and state.
By that logic however it should mean that families are closer and know everything about each other and are active in each others lives right? Yeah! Not so much. It turns out people generally only make a comment or send you a message when they need something or want you to know that something you posted was offensive. Even though I have a good 40% of my family members on mother and fathers side on MY facebook and see their posts daily I rarely hear from them unless they need a cow on their farm, or are pissed off about one of my posts that clearly shares a view that conflicts with their own opinion.
So now that you know a little bit about me and my family dynamic can you understand how the internet and Facebook specifically can be exhausting? Frankly as far as I’m concerned anyone who does not like the idea of me blocking my wall from my family members for my own personal reasons, feel free to hit the remove friend button. I will not take it personally, and know that I am still available by telephone and by email, and for a personal home visit, I’ll even make the coffee. Not allowing people to see my facebook page is a personal choice, not a personal attack on others. I do not feel like I should have to defend my views, or explain my personal feelings every time you disagree with something I say on Facebook. I am entitled to feelings, beliefs, and opinions of my own.